Monday, November 7, 2011

You Ever Wonder About Old Reporters?
















Irreverent? I suppose. But I don't think Andy Rooney would have minded too much. CBS announced the longtime 60 Minutes essayist has died at age 92. He seemed like a grumpy old guy when I was a kid, and I'm not a kid anymore.

He took a lot of ribbing over the years, particularly for his apparently left-field topics, often using small issues to make bigger points. ("You ever wonder about paperclips? Nowadays, they come with this plastic covering. I don't know what that's for. When I was growing up, we were happy with plain metal....") That's parody...but not too far from reality sometimes. I'd look forward to the left/right editorial counterpoints at the end of 60 Minutes, then feel let down when they'd announce there would be no counterpoint--just Andy Rooney's commentary. It felt like getting stuck at the Thanksgiving table with that uncle who never stopped talking...except about some mysterious part of his past that no one wanted to talk about. You felt affection for him, but sometimes you wanted to get a word or two in.

In time, Rooney became a kind of institution, the way longtime columnists do. Like Mike Royko or Art Buchwald, it didn't matter that their best work was behind as much as that they weere still there doing it. Rooney stepped down from 60 Minutes earlier this year, and I got that "uh-oh" feeling because I figured he was one of those guys who'd go out keeling over in the CBS lunchroom. When I heard he went into the hospital for surgery a couple of weeks ago, I could hear the curtain rustle.

He got it wrong sometimes (and he was honest enough to admit it...sometimes). He got it right too, even when it was pleasant to hear. But mostly, he just got it, said it, and left it up to you to do what you would with it. That's admirable, as is that even if he occasionally apologized for what he said, he never apologized for being Andy Rooney.

Here's something you might now know about him, and, like that uncle who won't shut up (but has a past), it might add a little more depth to him. During World War II, Andy Rooney served as a reporter for the Army newspaper Stars and Stripes. He wrote about U.S. soldiers living and dying, and, in doing so, went where they went. Where they lived. Where they died. He rode along on a daylight bombing mission over Germany where one-third of the bombers never came back. He won the Bronze Star for covering the horrendous fighting around St. Lo, France, where the allies broke through the German lines after D-Day, beginning the end of the Third Reich. Like a lot of those guys, he didn't talk about it much. At least not much in his commentaries. That just wasn't the way it was done, and, besides, he had so much else to talk about. I'm sure if you asked him, straight out, he would have told you he'd been terrified and sickened by the war, and then he probably would have said he was lucky to be there. That's not a soldier talking--that's a newsman.

With time, I became more fond of him, even when sometimes you'd feel like, c'mon, Rooney...give it up and go plant some flowers or catch some trout. But he was a reporter (none of that fancy "journalist" stuff for him), and, obviously, he loved it. Even when he didn't have much to say, he found an entertaining way to tell you: "Today, I got nothin'."

Today, we got nothin'. Or at least a little less. And I think Rooney would be okay with that. Anyway, he's going to have to be. And so are we.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Feeling Gravity's Pull


R.E.M. -- 1980 to 2011

now you've worked it out
and you see it all

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Worlds Changed

Simply, to get it out of the way:

I started the car, turned on the radio, and NPR said the World Trade Center had caught fire. I kind of rolled my eyes, thinking of the car bomb that had been set off in the parking garage a few years before. By the time I got to the freeway onramp, I'd learned it had been struck by a plane, and I shook my head, said out loud: "What a hard-luck building that's become." By the time I got to work, I understood the extent of my understatement. A couple hours later, when both tower had fallen, I realized I understood not at all.

Not long after, a co-worker was the first I heard say "from now on, everything has changed." Which felt like the truth, but made me uneasy. I wondered if I wasn't in denial--there certainly was an element of that: but I couldn't help but feel that world had and would abide, blithely indifferent to the ants crawling across its surface. I do remember thinking with grim certainty, drawing, I suppose, from what I knew about war and politics, having written of both, that, down the road, someone would be on the receiving end of a shitstorm.

But the "everything has changed" refrain haunted me. For myself, it was dramatically true: on September 13, 2001, my mother had a stroke which left her partially paralyzed, and began a long, slow slide that ended with her death six years later. My September 11th seemed to last a decade, though it's nothing compared to those who lost someone in attacks. I'm still sorting out how much that changed my world.

In that, though, I find the truth and fallacy of "everything's changed." The World Trade Center attacks injected a before and after into our narratives, regardless of who we are and what we believe. It was not the world that had changed--though it would, politically and economically, in ways we're still paying for--but our worlds, those of each of us. September 11th served as a cue ball. It struck the rack, and the balls cracked and spun out unpredictably. The trajectory of the game changed, as happens when history shifts.

Still, we continue to be the same mass of contradictory intentions: never saints, but seldom entirely sinners. I admit to feeling a certain satisfaction that Osama Bin Laden ended his journey with bullet through the eye. It's a feeling akin to knowing Hitler faced that instant when he faced the gun he held to his head and knew he would pull trigger: badly played cards led to an inevitable conclusion. These people never seem to learn from each other, but, when you're on that kind of an ego trip, you apparently believe you really are exempt. That or you're so committed to your destiny that somehow it all makes sense to you.

That we can be so flawed sombers us. That others--firemen, policemen, soldiers, doctors, and war correspondents--can risk their lives (and sometimes lose them) in service to others helps balance out the darkness, though all of them have their individual rationales for their actions and do not always live up to our highest ideals. Still, they try, and they are to be recognized for putting the greater good beyond their own. I certainly don't think I could do that; so I try to observe, not judge.

It's very difficult to resist, but I think it's valuable not to let nostalgia for those moments when we all stood to together blind us to our shortcomings--that it's as important to remember that we're as likely to make mistakes as we are to succeed. But it doesn't hurt to take a moment to recall the instant we all ceased to be civilians.

Though nothing pleases most soldiers more than they day they can take off their uniforms, they often miss living in comradery, not mired down by "civilian bullshit" (even if they're mired down in military bullshit, mostly consisting of officers and paperwork...and the possibility that they might be killed any time). Life during wartime can take on a startling clarity, which tends to fade the farther one gets from the sounds of bombs and small arms fire. It may not be the reason why one volunteers for hazardous duty, but it can be a reason why some people come back to it. I've had a little taste of it, covering a couple exciting stories or delving into the lives of soldiers and war correspondents, and it's seductive. When you're running around with a camera, you feel a little invulnerable, even though you're chasing something that can easily snuff you out.

After ten years of sorrow, blood, and fury, what have we learned? That, under duress, we can love one another. Or at least feel compassion and a common humanity. It's a shame that we need a Bin Laden or Hitler to remind us of it. Since we have paid a very high price for that insight, it's worth hanging onto when we're bogged down in our particular bullshit flavor for that day. Taking off forever feels a little spookier, and a smooth landing feels a little sweeter.

Everything changes, except for a few things that make everything worthwhile.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Coolness, Thy Name is Portland

The New York Times, located in the center of the known universe, continues it's sordid love affair with Portland, OR...where those of the true hip reside in a glaze of neverending satori (excepting me).

36 Hours in Portland, Ore.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Speaking of History's Unstoppable Power...

...though events in Libya and Tripoli have twists and turns to go before the country moves into its next phase, this is what the irresistable wave of history looks like as it crests. For the sake of Libya's people, here's hoping events take a different course than the second act of "Bombardment."

Friday, August 19, 2011

Bombardment, Episode 21: Everything Stops


Splattworks concludes its presentation of Bombardment, a two-act drama by Steve Patterson.

Thank you all, over these last couple of weeks, for reading, for your support, and for your gracious comments. It has been a terrific pleasure watching the play's readership rise and expand far beyond its humble beginnings, and it's been great fun for me to spend time with the play again. Your comments, observations, etc., are welcome. If you would like to reach me off the blog, my e-mail is splatterson@mindspring.com

[EPISODE 21]

The wind dies down. Lights gradually rise. CARMELITA and PLACID hunch over, hanging on the lines like prisoners shot at the stake. ARETHA and CORNO stand with their backs to the audience.

ARETHA/CORNO: Hello? Hello? Anyone there? Hello?

ARETHA and CORNO face the audience. Their shades are gone, their eye sockets hollow. Blood streams down their faces. They stagger forward, fingers outstretched, becoming caught in the lines.

ARETHA/CORNO: Hello? Can you hear me? Can you help me? I can't see. Help me, I'm caught. I need help. Please. I'm caught. Please, please, please….

They continue calling “please” as they struggle with the cords. Their calls take on a synchronous, mechanical quality. A chant. An incantation. The sounds of planes begin, steadily rising. Chant and airplanes rise to crescendo. Blackout. Everything stops.

End of play.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Bombardment, Episode 20: A Cloud from Above

Splattworks continues its presentation of Bombardment, a two-act drama by Steve Patterson. The author will attempt to post an installment each day, but, if events intercede, installments could arrive a day or so apart. So please be patient.

[EPISODE 20]

CARMELITA: Not me!
PLACID: Yes! Yes, you do! Remember? Remember his smile? His hair? Think how he felt. Filling up a room. How he kept you warm. How you were never cold.
CARMELITA: This is what we fought against. What we fought to stop.
ARETHA: My wrath.
PLACID: His smell. His taste. How he infected your senses. Remember how he playfully tugged your hair? Whispered your name into your neck? All the times you wondered if he loved you, if he loved you or was just pretending. Those lips told the answer.
CARMELITA: You don't know what you're doing. Stay away! We don't want you!
CORNO: My lips on her neck.
PLACID: And the others. The ones who let you down. Who seduced you and used you. For your body. For your kindness. For your good will. Was he one of those?
CARMELITA: You weren't there!
PLACID: Did he abandon you? Lead you into disaster? Knock you up and take your money? Take your pride? Leave you strung out in the tenement hotel room? Trust me, baby. Trust me. I love you. Look into your eyes and lie, lie, lie.
CARMELITA: We're free of them, Placid! Don't throw it away!
PLACID: Lying eyes. Lying lips. Lying tongues. Licking your hands. Licking your face. Probing your inner crevices. Your private secrets.
CARMELITA: Placid!
PLACID: What everybody wanted. What all the world wanted.
ARETHA: All the world.
PLACID: His touch saved. His touch relieved. Turned to fire. Turned to light. Steam. Wind. Feel it! Feel it, Carmelita!
CARMELITA: Don't touch me!
PLACID: The swelling of your breasts. The trembling of your leg. The clenching of your calf.
ARETHA: The clenching of the calf.
PLACID: It's there. It's still there. You want him. You want him still.
ARETHA: You want him. I can feel it.
PLACID: His lips on your neck. His hands on your breasts.
CARMELITA: No, Corno--Placid! No, Placid!
CORNO: My hands on your breasts. My smile in your eyes.
PLACID: His weight and his scent, a cloud from above, and your body making way, moving on its own. Guided by his will. Beyond your control. Your legs spreading wide. At a touch. You can't stop it. At a touch. He's inside you! He's inside you now!
CARMELITA: (Screaming) No!

Lights out.

[Next…the conclusion]

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Boombardment, Episode 19: Dying Without Your Grace























Splattworks continues its presentation of Bombardment, a two-act drama by Steve Patterson. The author will attempt to post an installment each day, but, if events intercede, installments could arrive a day or so apart. So please be patient.

[EPISODE 19]

CARMELITA: You'll fight the killers and crazies and soldiers with their guns? You'll fight the mothers defending children? Urchins with bony, grimy fingers? Beggars and blown up men on scooterboards? You'll fight and fight 'til there's no one left to fight?

The cords wind around them, sewing them into their armchairs. Lights begin to flash. Wind rises.

PLACID: It's. . .life. It's time. The way it goes.
CARMELITA: It's not the way it goes. You can break it. You can let them in.
PLACID: I know them. They'll kill me.
CARMELITA: You have to lead them, Placid. You’re like them. Understand them. They’ll sense that. Trust you. They'll be grateful.
PLACID: It's been going on so long!
CARMELITA: Time means nothing to a leader. They'll crown your head with laurels. They'll give you all you want in a way that you deserve. Out of gratitude. Out of love. Reward them, Placid. And they'll reward you. Give them not the back of your hand, but your palm.
PLACID: (Looks down at the cords.) It's too late.
CARMELITA: It's not too late. Get up. Lead them.

PLACID makes a move but the cords tie him in. Lights flash faster. Wind grows louder.

CARMELITA: Placid? Placid!
PLACID: It's the law!
CARMELITA: It's a lie, Placid. It means nothing. You can do it.
PLACID: It's too hard!
CARMELITA: No, Placid. It's so easy.
PLACID: They'll kill us! I'm afraid!
CARMELITA: Don't say it!
PLACID: It's too scary! We need them!
CARMELITA: Don't say that! Don't let them know!
PLACID: It's too hard! It's too scary! We need them back!
ARETHA/CORNO: We don't want to come back.
CARMELITA: They don't want to come back.
ARETHA/CORNO: We been wrong too long.
PLACID: You have to come back! They'll kill us if you don't!
ARETHA/CORNO: We've come. We've gone.
CARMELITA: This is wrong, Placid!
PLACID: We're scared! You have to take care of us!
ARETHA/CORNO: We can't see the way for you.
PLACID: You have to! We'll die! We'll die without you!
ARETHA/CORNO: We have ended.
PLACID: We'll die without your grace!
ARETHA/CORNO: We want but silence.
PLACID: But they'll get in! They'll get your stuff! Your dress and your pipe!
ARETHA: My dress.
PLACID: They'll carry it off! Cut it up for bandages!
CARMELITA: Placid!
CORNO: My pipe.
PLACID: Your pipe and your shoes! Come look at your shoes!

Lights flash violently. Wind howls.

CORNO: My suit. My tie.
PLACID: It's yours! See? Come back and take it!
CARMELITA: This is wrong! This is crazy!
PLACID: But you want him.

[To be continued]

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Bombardment, Episode 18: Five Feet Off the Ground, Heels Clickin'

Splattworks continues its presentation of Bombardment, a two-act drama by Steve Patterson. The author will attempt to post an installment each day, but, if events intercede, installments could arrive a day or so apart. So please be patient.

[EPISODE 18]

PLACID: You call it yours, they want it. They want these chairs and that pipe, that knife and this paper. Your bracelet, your necklace. They'll rip it from you, never mind the cuts. That dress. Gone. They'll steal the underwear right off your ass. And they want this space. That’s what they want most of all. The dry air. The heat. Feel it. Nice and warm. Not like outdoors. Warm in winter, cool in summer. What they dream of. Out there. Freezing. Faces breathing on the glass. Lips open. Teeth yellow. All you can see are eyes. Glowing. They see in the dark. Fly through the air. Breathe under water. They'll do anything to get what you have.
CARMELITA: It's not true.
PLACID: The hell you say.
CARMELITA: Not the poor. I know the poor. They're too busy staying alive.
PLACID: That's what they want you to think. They're so vibrant! So alive! They make couture out of dishrags! Turn plate scraping's into high cuisine! Give 'em two spoons and a empty oatmeal box, and you got an orchestra! And they love! How they love! Love, love, love all the time. In a way we'll never know. In a way we can't imagine! I've heard it all!

PLACID backs CARMELITA onto an armchair.

PLACID: I've heard it, and it's a lie. Like all shows of respect are a lie. Yes, sir. No, sir. You know best, sir. I know because I've done it. Said it. Felt the cut. You say it because you have to. Because you don't want your raise jerked. Your job jerked. Your life jerked. There's a cord ‘round your neck, and all it takes is a tug, whoop, you're five feet off the ground, heels clickin'. You want to know why? You really want to know why? Because at the heart of it, it's gimme'. Gimme' your house, gimme' your job, gimme' your position. Your leverage. Gimme' one little thing, and I'll take the rest. Because, babe, I'll never be satisfied. The second I'm satisfied, the rest of them catch up. You're lucky. You just wander past the outstretched hands, and wonder why everyone acts the way they do. I'll tell you. We're animals. All of us. Whether we're rich or poor, whether we hide it or not. That's all there is. And I like it. I'm good at it. It's why I breathe, why I eat, why I get up in the morning. Gimme', gimme', gimme'!

PLACID kisses her savagely.

CARMELITA: Placid, that's not it at all. We should open the doors.

PLACID: You're crazy!
CARMELITA: Let those people in. It's cold out there.
PLACID: They'd strip us out in five seconds!
CARMELITA: We can break it. Can't you see? It's a cycle. It goes on and on until someone puts a stop to it.
PLACID: Let someone else put a stop to it! I'm gonna' live!
CARMELITA: How long can you live like that?
PLACID: I'm livin' to be old and rich.

CARMELITA: Are you? You said it yourself: they're all struggling to get in. You think you can keep them out forever?
PLACID: I’ll fight ‘em.
CARMELITA: Every single one, Placid? You'll fight them all at once?
PLACID: If I have to.
CARMELITA: All the time? When you're sick? When you're sleeping? You want to be rich. You want to grow old. How will you fight them then? When your bones snap if you fall, and the fat hangs over your belt, and you can't catch your breath? You're fight every man Jack of them? Young guys? Guys as strong as you are now?

Like an old man, PLACID sags down in an armchair.

[To be continued]

Monday, August 15, 2011

Bombardment, Episode 17: A Bomb Finds Its X

Splattworks continues its presentation of Bombardment, a two-act drama by Steve Patterson. The author will attempt to post an installment each day, but, if events intercede, installments could arrive a day or so apart. So please be patient.

[EPISODE 17]

CARMELITA: So?
PLACID: Now it's us. We got the stuff, and all them hustlers and upstarts want what we got. They're the ones gunning for us. Plotting. Closing in. Checking out the scene.
CARMELITA: There's something here, Placid. But I don’t think--
PLACID: You can't see them. Not ‘till they're ready to make their move. Remember back? Remember us?
CARMELITA: I never planned any moves.
PLACID: Don't be funny.
CARMELITA: I'm not being funny. I never planned.
PLACID: You never?
CARMELITA: What would I plan for?
PLACID: You can't mean that. Of course you planned.
CARMELITA: I haven't planned a thing since the day I was born, and someone planned that for me.
PLACID: I save and plot and eat shit. You just go along, and it happens?
CARMELITA: Don't feel bad. Please don't feel bad. It could of gone the other way. Easy. Oh, Placid.
PLACID: Makes me feel like a moron.
CARMELITA: It's luck, that's all. It has nothing to do with being dumb or smart. You’re smart. You're just not lucky yet.
PLACID: Yet?
CARMELITA: Luck comes. Because you haven't had it before doesn't mean it can't find you. Look how smart you must be, getting here without luck. You must be the smartest person I know.
PLACID: Smarter than Mr. Corno?
CARMELITA: I don't know a Mr. Corno. Not anymore. I knew him once, but that was then. We sent him away! We did. With your smarts and my luck! You think I could have done that by myself? You think I could have planned it?
PLACID: Would you have?
CARMELITA: How do you mean?
PLACID: I don't know that you would have without me.
CARMELITA: Well, Placid, what I would or wouldn't do doesn't matter much, because we did, didn't we?
PLACID: That's what you don't understand.
CARMELITA: See? You gotta' be smart, the way you can talk at something without saying it.
PLACID: There are a lot more like me out there than there are like you.
CARMELITA: How do you mean?

In the background, ARETHA and CORNO mirror each other with slow rhythmic movements.

PLACID: They're out there. Millions of them. They've been raised to want it. It's all they know and all they want to know. Like a missile, they're preprogrammed. Until they reach that target, you're either in their way or out of it. A clock tells time, it don't ask what time is. A bomb finds its X, it don't care who's standing there.

ARETHA's and CORNO's movements gradually propel them forward. As they advance, thin cords unspool from them like webs from a spider. They begin to circle PLACID and CARMELITA, drawing them into the lines.

[To be continued]

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Bombardment, Episode 16: Sometimes a Pipe is Just a Pipe


Splattworks continues its presentation of Bombardment, a two-act drama by Steve Patterson. The author will attempt to post an installment each day, but, if events intercede, installments could arrive a day or so apart. So please be patient.

[EPISODE 16]

CARMELITA: I see him on his boat. Wearing his thick sweater, his plush woolen trousers. His hands upon the wheel. Steering. Turning. The prow cutting the waves. The spray. He's standing in the sun. He's standing in the sun, and he's got that smile. Wind catching his hair, but he's got that smile. The brilliant, too-large teeth. The trembling lips. His eyes squinting at the sun, at the wind, and you see through his eyes. You see tomorrow. It's bright and it glistens in the wind, sharp and brilliant with promise. Oh yes. It's right there in his eyes. In his smile. It's there. There. It is right there. It's still there. Oh god, it's still there. Here. It's here. He's still here! Dear lord, he's still here!

CARMELITA's breath breaks into moans. PLACID continues reading. In the background and from opposite ends of the stage, ARETHA and CORNO slowly emerge from darkness. Dressed like PLACID and CARMELITA in Act I. Distant. Cool in shades. They are invisible to PLACID and CARMELITA. Everyone should be in place just as CARMELITA is about to orgasm. Suddenly, she stands.

CARMELITA: No! No.

Carefully, she places the pipe back in the rack. She grabs the carving knife.

CARMELITA: It’s here. The beast is here. I can smell it. Thought the smell was something else. Placid. Placid!

CARMELITA walks in front of PLACID, and cuts his paper in half.

PLACID: What the hell was that?
CARMELITA: Stock split.
PLACID: You know what that was? That was the newspaper. That was the last newspaper. There won't be any more. That means we're out of news. We won't know what's going on.
CARMELITA: What’s happening is--
PLACID: Wind.
CARMELITA: Wind? What wind?
PLACID: Winds of change. Yeah. Winds of change blowing. We got to be ready. Gotta be prepared.
CARMELITA: Or what?
PLACID: Or else we get blown away, babe. Plain and simple.
CARMELITA: A regular hurricane.
PLACID: That's right. We're right in the eyes and--
CARMELITA: Eye.
PLACID: Huh?
CARMELITA: Eye. Hurricane's only have one eye. Go ahead.
PLACID: We're right in that eye. Here, it's calm. Real calm. But out there, right out there, it's the worst midnight on the worst road of the worst winter. Believe you me. Right out that door it's trees pulled out of the ground, roof tiles flying like hatchets, little girls and their dogs carried off.
CARMELITA: So we stay in the eye? We never move because of this hurricane?
PLACID: No. The hurricane shifts. Today it's here, tomorrow it's over there. And the eye moves with it. The stuff. We got this stuff now.


[To be continued]

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Bombardment, Episode 15: Phosphorescent Love Lines


Splattworks continues its presentation of Bombardment, a two-act drama by Steve Patterson. The author will attempt to post an installment each day, but, if events intercede, installments may occur a day or so apart. So please be patient.

[EPISODE 15]

CARMELITA's handling of the pipe becomes a caress.

CARMELITA: Corno. What a name. Cornpone. Cornball. Quick with a joke. Oh yeah. That time in her bed. Some joke. Guess he treated me decent. Decent as she did. She could be nice. On occasion. Course, she needed me. She had everything she wanted, everything she thought she needed. She ended up more alone than she'd ever been. Blindsided by the unanticipated: she didn't need a maid. She needed a friend. Oh, but Corno. He couldn't let that go. What if, finding a companion, she didn't need him? What if she found other ways to be? Found the conduct she revered was as arbitrary and capricious as that she disdained. Why the very foundations of this house might tremble! So Corno just. . .rearranged the players. Put you over there, me over here. Did what he did best. What we all loved him for. He “took care” of things. Problem was, we loved him best when he “took care” of someone else.

CARMELITA begins rubbing pipe against her face, her neck.

CARMELITA: The way she looked at him in those days, Placid. You should have seen her. Her eyes, alive. Had to see him. All of him. He knew it. He had the thing. The magic. He knew and wasn't afraid to show he knew. Not like ones who never knew, or ones who kept it inside. He shone. In a way that said we all could shine. As long as he shone brightest. I still smell him. His library, his den. His smell through the carpets, books. This pipe smells of him. Not his tobacco. Him. I imagine his hand against the bowl. The way his hand loved the things he held. The way love glowed trailed from his fingertips. Phosphorescent love lines drawn upon all he touched. Upon my skin. When he touched me.

CARMELITA slips the pipe down her neck. Lower. She slowly sinks behind PLACID'S armchair.

[To be continued]

Friday, August 12, 2011

Bombardment, Episode 14: Thoughts Traveling in Straight, Efficient Lines

Splattworks continues its presentation of Bombardment, a two-act drama by Steve Patterson. The author will attempt to post an installment each day, but, if events intercede, installments may occur a day or so apart. So please be patient.

[EPISODE 14]

CARMELITA: What am I worried about? We got all this stuff! Got a hacksaw and a tire iron and a hi-res panel screen and a convertible and a wet bar and a garlic press and a Lear Jet and all of David Bowie's records. Got Classics comics and Cliff Notes. Got a flutter in my left anterior ventricle, so I get to take these purple and white pills that make me feel nice and everybody treats me gentle. Got government bonds and municipal bonds and junk bonds, the whole collection. IRA, ERA, MIA, CIA, PCP, EI, EI, O. Let's do something! For God's sake, let's do anything! Let's. . .go somewhere, see something, get into trouble, save ourselves, make love, make war, make extended negotiations leading to partition of our shared territory, wait twenty years, and reunify amid much fanfare! Let's do something, do something, do something! Wall Street sucks! Wall Street sucks! (Screams.)
PLACID: The market's shaky.

CARMELITA repeatedly stabs the air with the knife. Takes off her shoes, places them side-by-side on the table, and stabs the knife into the table so it stands between the toes of the pumps.

CARMELITA: Die, die, die, beast!

CARMELITA picks up CORNO's pipe.

CARMELITA: Maybe I should take up the pipe. What do you think? A woman smoking a pipe, that's rare. A mark of distinction. Women acting like men, stretching boundaries of freedom. Suit. Bowler and arm garters. Yass, yass. I think I feel different already. Forceful. Controlled. Thoughts travel in straight, efficient lines. Not muddled up with curves and loops. Why, there's so much I can do with this pipe. Conduct a meeting. Declare closure. Shred documents. Paint out faces. Rearrange atoms. Nullify time. Why, there's nothing I can't do with this pipe. Nothing except. . .things I would have no interest in doing anyway. You there! Bend over and grab those ankles!

[To be continued]

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Bombardment, Episode 13: Peace, How We've Longed for You

Splattworks continues its presentation of Bombardment, a two-act drama by Steve Patterson. The author will attempt to post an installment each day, but, if events intercede, installments may occur a day or so apart. So please be patient.

[EPISODE 13]

ACT II

SCENE I

PLACID and CARMELITA sit in the armchairs. CARMELITA's shopping cart is overturned, her stuff spread all over the stage--balloons, trinkets, gobs of colorful, wadded paper: a toy chest emptied for Mardi Gras. PLACID and CARMELITA have exchanged clothes with ARETHA and CORNO. PLACID reads the newspaper. CARMELITA curls up in her armchair. She has PLACID's bag of surprises beside her. No matter what she does, PLACID does not react. CARMELITA takes out a pair of pruning shears, plays that they are shark jaws.

CARMELITA: (Singing “Mack the Knife”) Oh the shark has pretty teeth, dear/And he keeps them pearly white. . .. (Rummages, rummages. Comes up with a banana. Swims it past her. Singing "Sub-Mission" by the Sex Pistols) I'm on a submarine mission for you, bay-bee. . .. (CARMELITA makes bubble sounds as the banana "submerges." Puts it back. Takes out a hacksaw. Puts it to her throat.) No. . .please. I'll tell you where the treasure is! I will! Just don't. . .don't. . . arrrghghghghghh. (Her head falls forward. Lets it hang.) Arrrghghgh? (CARMELITA puts the saw away. Takes out an awl, and pretends to tie her arm off and shoot up, but can't stomach it.) Awful. (CARMELITA returns the awl to the bag. Very slowly pulls out the long carving knife.) Oh, it is a long way to Tipperary. Just an extremely long way. No matter how you try to get there. Whether walking or flying or swimming like a fish. It's an extremely long, difficult way to go. Wherever the hell Tipperary is. Know where Tipperary is, Placid? Well, I'll tell you. Tipperary is nowhere. Maybe it was somewhere once, but it's nowhere now. It's a song. It's in songland, and not even a song people know anymore. It's in the Lower Slobbovia of songland. Peace. How we've longed for you. Listening, Placid? (She pricks her finger with the knife.) Ow! Shit. (She gets up, slips into a pair of pumps with stiletto heels. Picks up the knife.) I’m stalking. I’m stalking the beast. Oh, it’s a fierce beast. Got long, jagged teeth. Scaly skin. And, and…it’s invisible! It can eat you, and you’ll never see it. Even when the teeth tear into your flesh. Oh, you see the holes ripping, the blood. You’ll feel it. Definitely. But you’ll never see it, even after you’ve been eaten. Even when you’re deep in its guts. You’ll just dissolve. Become part of it. Then you’ll be invisible too.

[To be continued]

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Bombardment, Episode 12: Worst Hangover of Your Life

Splattworks continues its presentation of Bombardment, a two-act drama by Steve Patterson. The author will attempt to post an installment each day, but, if events intercede, installments may occur a day or so apart. So please be patient.

[EPISODE 12]

ARETHA: You struck me!
CARMELITA grabs her hair and twists.

CARMELITA: Kneel! You want to stop the planes?
ARETHA: Yes!

CARMELITA: You really want to stop the planes? Or just want to save your ass?
ARETHA: You're hurting me!

CARMELITA drops to her knees in front of ARETHA. She grabs both sides of her head.

CARMELITA: Shut up.
ARETHA: I can't with--
CARMELITA: Shut or die.

ARETHA gasps.

CARMELITA: Empty your head.
ARETHA: How?
CARMELITA: It's been empty all your life. The only thing in there has been shoved inside, and you don't need it.

CARMELITA clamps her hand over ARETHA's mouth. She moves her face close. During her monologue, the noise of the planes slowly fades as bits of paper, glitter, and rose petals descend, or lights simulate a similar effect.

CARMELITA: Empty it. Close it down. Let the power ebb, the wheels slow. Gears grind. Stop. Ringing fades. Heat goes from metal. Ice blooms on factory windows. Snow falls. White flakes. Huge flakes. Circle in the wind. Flakes upon your face, eyes. Watch flakes descend. Are they falling? Maybe you’re rising. Blown here, blown there. Blown across the sky. You're falling and falling, one of millions, and you can't touch down.

ARETHA grows calm. CARMELITA takes her hand from ARETHA's mouth. The lights have become more naturalistic. All is silent.

ARETHA: Where are we?
CARMELITA: The real world.

CORNO moans, doubles over, and coughs. ARETHA goes to him. He's alive, but cannot speak. ARETHA helps him up, begins walking him around. PLACID stirs, groans, pulls himself up on all fours. CARMELITA helps him into an armchair.

CARMELITA: How you feel?
PLACID: Worst hangover of my life.

ARETHA and CORNO face one another. They caress one another, movements mirrored. They embrace. PLACID puts his hand on CARMELITA's. She picks up her apron and slips it around ARETHA. Puts PLACID’s hat on CORNO. No response from ARETHA or CORNO. CARMELITA draws a pistol from her coat pocket. She shoots ARETHA and CORNO, killing them. PLACID crosses to CORNO. He takes a roll of bills from CORNO's pocket and begins counting them as CARMELITA watches. The sound of planes returns, rising and cresting. Lights/sound abruptly.

End of Act I.

[To be continued]

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Bombardment, Episode 11: Mirrors with Beveled Edges


Splattworks continues its presentation of Bombardment, a two-act drama by Steve Patterson. The author will attempt to post an installment each day, but, if events intercede, installments may occur a day or so apart. So please be patient.

[EPISODE 11]

CARMELITA: No, ma'am.
ARETHA: Yes, you did! Don't argue with me! You killed him!

ARETHA begins striking CARMELITA.

ARETHA: Unfaithful bitch! I let you in, but you're treacherous! All of you! Let you into my home, my life! Rescued you from dirt, disease, rivers rotting with corpses! Gave you a room! Gave you pink wallpaper with curlicues, white enamel vanity, mirrors with beveled edges! Perfumes, powders, oils! What do you give me? How do you pay me back?

ARETHA grabs CARMELITA's coat.

ARETHA: Give me this! My coat! From my animals! My skins! Without me, you wouldn't know which arm goes where!

In trying to escape the blows, CARMELITA lets ARETHA have the coat. ARETHA catches her by the throat. Forces her to her knees.

ARETHA: This is ours! We give you a little! Pacify you! Your peace, our profit! But don't think we can't take it away! If we don't get back what we put in! We'll just give it to another! Fresh meat! A body that hasn't learned to think!

ARETHA throws her on stage. Grabs the tire iron.

ARETHA: Spoiled trifle. Put your eye to the keyhole. Seen what you couldn't imagine, but now you want. Once that germ takes hold, you can't be trusted, you or your whole fucking people, and you ought to be wiped from the planet!

ARETHA raises tire iron to strike. Deafening sound of planes, screaming in.

The sound paralyzes ARETHA. CARMELITA crawls away, grabbing her coat and wrapping herself.

ARETHA: They're coming! God, they're coming back! What are we going to do? Don't you hear them? Once they let the bombs loose, they fall everywhere. They don't just fall on me. They fall on everyone. They fall on everything.
CARMELITA: There's nothing you can do.
ARETHA: No! Before I took you in, you survived!
CARMELITA: Lie down. The shrapnel might go over your head. Everything else has.
ARETHA: I rescued you. From dirt, disease. Rotting bodies floating in the river. Pink wallpaper with curlicue patterns. Table. Desk. Perfumes. Powders. I rescued you? Or did someone rescue me? Someone took my hand. But what happened--

CARMELITA backhands ARETHA.

CARMELITA: Kneel.

[To be continued]

Monday, August 8, 2011

Bombardment, Episode 10: Orange Dust Obscures the Sun

Splattworks continues its presentation of Bombardment, a two-act drama by Steve Patterson. The author will attempt to post an installment each day, but, if events intercede, installments may occur a day or so apart. So please be patient.

[EPISODE 10]

ARETHA: Well! I must look a horror, playing tag with death, and then tangled up with the like of you. Draw my bath. And not so hot this time! Nearly scorched my skin loose last time. Can’t have loose…. It isn’t is it? Do you see loose skin, Carmelita? Can you see my skin’s on tight?
CARMELITA: I can’t see, ma’am, that a thing has changed.
ARETHA: Relief! Change is so disquieting. Must gather oneself. So much to do, you couldn’t possibly imagine.

ARETHA tries to rise, but she's too weak.

ARETHA: Carmelita. My legs. There’s something wrong with them. Are they supposed to bend this way? I can't stand. Carmelita, I can’t stand! Help! Help me! I'm so. . .alone! Mr. Corno--
CARMELITA: Corno sleeps.
ARETHA: You. Of all people. Could be cruel to me.
CARMELITA: I have been taught so well.
ARETHA: You don’t under…. I can’t…trust. Everything’s a cross, double, triple-cross. Was it always thus? Why? What happened? This can’t be what we…. I don’t understand. I’m so small.

CARMELITA hesitates, helps her to her feet. ARETHA clings to her. CARMELITA brushes her hair back.

CARMELITA: Once, this face was kind.
ARETHA: Was it? I can’t…. It seems like a nice thing. To be way. But, too, it feel dangerous.
CARMELITA: Right now, face to face? This seems like danger?
ARETHA: Well, no. Of course. Yes. A little. Perhaps much. I’m getting littler, Carmelita.
CARMELITA: It’s as safe--or dangerous--as you choose to make it.

Pause, and then ARETHA melts into her. They hug, rocking back and forth, and, in a burst of exuberance, genuine joy, spin around until they trip over CORNO.

ARETHA: Corno!

ARETHA drops to her knees. As CARMELITA narrates, ARETHA reacts to her words.

CARMELITA: First is disbelief. Refusal to accept. As if doing so prohibits tragedy. “I can't believe it.” “You must be joking.” “Tell me you're joking.” This stage can last the rest of your life. Second is numbness. Stupefaction. Your arms are stupid. Your legs are stupid. Your toes and fingers forget how to work in concert. Your skin dries, cracks like burnt paper. Your chest shrinks, a buckskin drum rattling rice. Scent of oysters in the wind. On the horizon, orange dust obscures the sun. Third, there is anger.

ARETHA rises.

ARETHA: You did this!

[To be continued]

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Bombardment, Episode 9: Oozing and Open


Splattworks continues its presentation of Bombardment, a two-act drama by Steve Patterson. The author will attempt to post an installment each day, but, if events intercede, installments may occur a day or so apart. So please be patient.

[EPISODE 9]

ARETHA: You what?
CARMELITA: You were so unhappy! So weary! To help, to ease your suffering, I…put them in your brandy, Aretha.
ARETHA: Do not speak my name!

Slaps CARMELITA hard.

CARMELITA: As you wish. Ma’am.
ARETHA: My question. You are here. In my bed. Now. Barely dressed. Explain this.
CARMELITA: Yes. After the…in the. . .night. You try to sleep, your eyes closed. Your head side-to-side. Your breath fitful. All you can do is call Corno. Mr. Corno. Come home. Finally, sleep descends, easing round the castle. Servants sigh. Dab their eyes. Prepare their own beds. Then the cook says, the phone! If the phone rings! So we run to your room, and your head is thrown back, your mouth is open, your skin is blue! Behind your eyelids, your eyes flicked back and forth! Panicked. Searching. Dreaming. She's dreaming, says the cook! She's dreaming of Mr. Corno! She's chasing him in her dreams! Chasing after love! Quiet her, Carmelita. Quiet her before her heart bursts. How do I do this? What do I do? The servants, they grab me. They pull from me my uniform. Force me into bed. Beside you. I say this is wrong! I am soiled! But you are cold! Frozen cold! The touch--my touch--does something. Warms you. Calms you. Quiets you. Your breath turns to fuchsia. Your spirit to green. Stars return. Here. At this intersection of dream and desire. Your sweat blending with mine. Our tears. Our breath. For a moment…peace.
ARETHA: I see. How very creative of you. But I know. Why you’re here. Who you wait for. You exploit my confidence, poison me with your drink and medicines, and your perfect tales of selflessness. Then have the gall to wait, an orchid, oozing and open, for him. Blooming beside my rapidly cooling corpse.
CARMELITA: No, ma’am. I would never--
ARETHA: You already have. Remove your oily stench from my bed. And conceal your hideousness. At once.

CARMELITA rises.

CARMELITA: As you command, ma’am.


[To be continued]

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Bombardment, Episode 8: Terms and Conditions


Splattworks continues its presentation of Bombardment, a two-act drama by Steve Patterson. The author will attempt to post an installment each day, but, if events intercede, installments may occur a day or so apart. So please be patient.

[EPISODE 8]

CARMELITA: Exposed to unrelenting cold, the body's spring unwinds. Heat slips from the head and limbs to maintain the essential machinery of the torso. Fingers and toes freeze first, so solid they can be snapped like dry twigs. Hold them over an open fire, they cook. That's why rescue teams work with the safest source of heat they carry: their own bodies.

ARETHA moans.

CARMELITA: They strip naked and lie with their stricken companions until the warmth passes from one body to the other, forming a reciprocal circuit. Life ensnaring life. Reeling it back. A wet kite, drawn home on a fraying thread.

ARETHA cries in pain and begins coughing. CARMELITA shifts so she cradles her. Above, a star field appears.

CARMELITA: Feel the air, sharp, filled with glass? I tried to warn you.

ARETHA coughs hard, coming to consciousness as CARMELITA rocks her.

ARETHA: It's so cold.
CARMELITA: Not now.
ARETHA: I can't feel my limbs.
CARMELITA: Then feel mine.
ARETHA: I'm floating.
CARMELITA: We call that life.
ARETHA: There are pinwheels. Sparklers.
CARMELITA: Good blood from our hearts.
ARETHA: Weight. Heaviness.
CARMELITA: Terms and conditions.
ARETHA: Who are you?

CARMELITA becomes subservient. She sits up, concealing herself with the coat. The stars fade.

CARMELITA: Just the maid, ma'am.
ARETHA: Speak up.
CARMELITA: The maid, ma’am. Your lady in waiting.
ARETHA: What are you doing in my bed?
CARMELITA: The phone ma'am--I shut the phone off. I didn't want you disturbed.
ARETHA: I requested this?
CARMELITA: You asked for sleep.
ARETHA: So you took the initiative, on your own, to remove the phone from its cradle. Genius. Suppose the call came? Suppose Corno called, asking for…for…needing help. Needing coffee? Pipe tobacco? You know what it means, should he run out of pipe tobacco? What could happen? Driven from the castle. Lost in the storm. Tracked by assassins, some maniac with a tire iron. Enemies hide everywhere. In the faces of children. The whispers of innocents.
CARMELITA: Ma’am…you were so…tired.
ARETHA: You presume!
CARMELITA: Dead tired. You must remember.
ARETHA: Of course, I…. I need not remember every little thing. That’s we have staff. Report!
CARMELITA: Mr. Corno, gone, as you say. Gone in the cold. And you unable to sleep, unable to rest. All the household hears you pace. We try not to listen, but your heels ripple like drums.
ARETHA: You were…concerned? For me?
CARMELITA: All were! The butler chews his nails. The footman paces. The cook sniffles. Trying to hide it, he blames the onions. And me, most of all! That's why. . ..
ARETHA: Why? (ARETHA touches CARMELITA's lips.) You love me. Oh. Carmelita.
CARMELITA: The red capsules. I took them from the medicine cabinet.

[To be continued]

Friday, August 5, 2011

Bombardment, Episode 7: Clouding the Issue


Splattworks continues its presentation of Bombardment, a two-act drama by Steve Patterson. The author will attempt to post an installment each day, but, if events intercede, installments may occur a day or so apart. So please be patient.

[EPISODE 7]

ACT, SCENE III

CARMELITA enters, pushing a shopping cart full of balloons, costumes, junk. Dressed like some kind of arctic ragpicker. Figures on stage appear dead, heaped over one another as though tossed about.

CARMELITA: During wartime, you get used to seeing corpses. But you never get used to seeing corpses that appear to have been dropped from high altitudes.

CARMELITA pulls the cap from her head. Her hair is a vibrant, untamed mass. The impact should be one of going from drab formlessness to startling beauty. CARMELITA checks the bodies. First PLACID, then CORNO, pulling him off ARETHA.

CARMELITA: In town, the disruption of bombs provides a ready distraction. Rubble blocks the streets. Water mains rupture. Hence, the official media concentrate on that which still functions. Fire trucks, for example. Fire trucks are reassuring. They're very colorful, and the lines of water arching into a flame provide an image of control in the midst of chaos. But a twelve-year-old eviscerated by a shattered soda bottle, a spinster impaled on her own walker, a tiny scalp nestled in an otherwise empty bassinet: these can be nothing but chaos. And. . .we simply can't have that.

CARMELITA pauses in checking ARETHA. Puts her ear to ARETHA's chest. Rises.

CARMELITA: This clouds the issue. This does. Because the road awaits, the road away from. . ..

CARMELITA kneels and addresses ARETHA directly.

CARMELITA: You cause me grief, little one. You're broken. Cracked. It's pain for you. Pain if you open your eyes. Do what's best, little kitten. Be wise. Let go of your beating. Release that stubborn notion. This is no life. Scheming. Fearful. Not even sure you can trust the sky. Relinquish. Escape. And return. Revised in a fresh, better form. Perhaps. How exciting! You'll do this? I’ll touch your heart, and you'll release it? Slip me its strength. It'll power my legs, my spirit. We'll both get away, hearts entwined in synergy. Then these games can fade to silence. The pain ends. Here. Forever. Yes? You're ready, little heart? You're ready to let go? All right. I'll touch you, and you'll let go. Ready? Right now. I'm touching you. Now. (Lays hands upon her. Waits. Nothing.) No. I suppose not.

CARMELITA rises. Takes off her scarves and rolls them into a pillow for ARETHA's head. CARMELITA takes off her coat and places it over ARETHA. Underneath, CARMELITA wears a maid's uniform. As she disrobes, she throws her clothes atop ARETHA before dashing under the pile with her.

[To be continued]

Bombardment Gets a Little Ink

Oregon Arts Watch, courtesy of Barry Johnson, gives the "Bombardment" experiment a little ink. Good stuff.

A Pause for Station Identification

Smile for the damned birdie.

The Internet is a strange little butterfly: you never know where it might land next. Out of all the blather I've poured into this blog, one of the all-time favorite posts (with the most views), is Photography + Music = Art, a handful of photographs I took in my guitar studio, marrying two of my passions, music and photography.

I don't whether it's the music, the photography, or the chemistry between the two, but, if it's the photography, I should mention that splattworks has a companion blog, splattsights, which addresses my photo work. I've been taking photographs for years, almost as long as I've been writing, and had stuff published, hung in galleries, etc. If anyone wants to check out what I've been up to there. It need to get back to the program and put up some new stuff; like most photographers, I have an embarassing number of images in the files. (Obviously, I need to take more pictures of guitars.)

We now return to our regularly scheduled programming...tune in this evening for Bombardment: Episode 7.

thx/sp

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Bombardment Episode 6: A Glittering, Crystal Price Tag


Splattworks continues its presentation of Bombardment, a two-act drama by Steve Patterson. The author will attempt to post an installment each day, but, if events intercede, installments may occur a day or so apart. So please be patient.

[EPISODE 6]

CORNO: Evening, dear. You look a fright. Nothing to say? You? The old silent treatment? What could I have done? Too much time at the office? Neglected your delicate filigree of need? Philandering? Me? Come now. Why would I want anyone else? You're a goddess. Very nearly. (Sits beside her.) Perhaps you weren’t always a goddess. Maybe I wasn’t always a god. Even those born to it must be proven. As must those, my dear, who have risen to their esteemed positions through more circuitous routes. Through sweat or marriage or combinations of the two. Perhaps you feared, from experience, that you could be replaced by firmer flesh and more malleable aspirations. A tactical error. Happens when one brings intrigue into nostalgia. If anything about that formless creature attracted me, it was her resemblance you! Ah, strike that. Um, well, um…the wench had already been paid for! I was supposed to let that go to waste? You know how you feel about waste. I did as expected. As taught. If a grape dangles above one's mouth, one eats. With savor. Ever seeking perfection. It’s right there. Waiting. Dangling. A glittering, crystal price tag. Hell. Let us simply kill the damned servants and start anew! No shame in admitting a mistake! There’s plenty to pick from, and they cost a pittance! A nice polished skein of muscle for you! And for me. . .for me, a creature of…ice. Whose very touch would freeze. Who is there but to look upon, as to say: as perfect as you are, you’ll never come even this close to my true desire! My purest love! That’s you, dear. There is a time for a man to grow up. Accept his place. I have arrived at that crossroads, and realize I was…perhaps miscalculating. So just. . .pull yourself together. We'll go on as we've always gone. The choice is yours. That’s an order. Get up, Aretha. Quit playing around! (Shakes her.) Get up, goddamn it! It's morning! It's past-morning! I'm not lying to you! (Pulls her into his arms. She's limp.) Goddamn, woman, this just isn't done! Sleeping in all day! What will that cook say? Only one for breakfast, sir? What about the guests? They'll long to see you. You know how they are. The way they talk. Then the pictures. The rumors. Rot in the magazines. Goddamn it! I can't do this alone!

CORNO shakes her. She doesn’t respond. He lets her sink down. Lights fade to silhouette the players. In the background, the sounds of planes return.

CORNO: Ah. That will be fine. Your services are no longer required. Presently. (Planes louder.) Abort your mission. That’s your commander-in-chief talking. (Planes louder.) I said your presence…. Hello? Will no one in this kingdom play the slightest attention to their…? Those are my planes? Surely a radio problem. A failure to communicate. Misplaced coordinates. Friendlies about to correct their…. (Planes deafening.) Or. Perhaps not.

Lights out. Rolling thunder of airstrike. Planes and bombs fade out.

[To be continued]

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Bombardment, Episode 5: True Sport Knows No Mercy


Splattworks continues its presentation of Bombardment, a two-act drama by Steve Patterson. The author will attempt to post an installment each day, but, if events intercede, installments may occur a day or so apart. So please be patient.

[EPISODE 5]

ACT I, SCENE II

Lights up. CORNO sits. Behind him, ARETHA and PLACID lay limp, twisted, broken. CORNO pulls a pipe and packet of tobacco from his coat pocket. As he speaks, he breaks down the pipe, cleans it, puts it back together, pretends to load it.

CORNO: My house. I’ll smoke if I want. Used to smoke cigarettes. Playing Bogart. Man, how he could roll a ciggie, turning it in the flame. The measured inhale, squinting against the smoke. Exhale seeping between his lips. Pure love. Love flowing between his fingers and heading toward heaven. Love even in the way he squinted through the smoke. You knew she was looking back. Plus it kills you. With every single breath, you're one step closer. One man's stupidity is another man's defiance. I smoke! I choose! That cloud above my head declares: I live!

CORNO lights his pipe, draws, and sits back, savoring the experience. Exhales demonstrably. There's no visible smoke.

CORNO: For now.

CORNO rises and inspects the bodies.

CORNO: My kingdom. My subjects. Do you hear dissent? They dream of peace. Have they not been pacified? (To the audience.) Ah. You look at me, fixing me in the crosshairs of your judgment. Behind the chintz curtain you call conscience. A good king would never bomb his own people. Never turn his troops and machine guns against the hungry and the ill. Naïveté as a yardstick. You only see the smallest piece. Can only compare it to your limited morality, circumscribed by law. My law. Thus, you who counsel mercy for others condemn me with a glance.

CORNO drifts back toward PLACID. Rolls him onto his back with his shoe. CORNO looks through the weapons bag. Picks up the tire iron. Handles it like a golf club.

CORNO: There was a time when I was a mighty feared man on the green. Yes, yes, we made some deals out there. They thought a pampered boy like me wouldn't hold up, my butler shooting all the toughies. Hah. We learned for sport. True sport knows not mercy. What makes it fun. Poor bastards never had a chance. (CORNO steadies PLACID's head with his shoe. Eyes the shot.) Rough lie on this one. I think maybe a nine-iron. A gamble in this wind, but you only live once. Or twice. Knees bent. Elbows cocked. Measuring the green. (And. . .he can't do it.) Well, bub, you play this through without me.

CORNO Drops the iron with a clang. Ambles over to ARETHA.

[To be continued]

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Bombardment, Episode 4: Dallas Style


Splattworks continues its presentation of Bombardment, a two-act drama by Steve Patterson. The author will attempt to post an installment each day, but, if events intercede, installments may occur a day or so apart. So please be patient.


[EPISODE 4]

PLACID: Do it right! Make him come to you! Feign penance. Face behind a veil. So he’s sure he’s won. Accepting your proffered hand in his grand benevolence.
ARETHA: Humiliated.
PLACID: Does a spider humiliate? No. She waits. For the prey to relax.
ARETHA: Then strike.
PLACID: Why you need me. The most loyal of loyal. The only one--present company excepted--that he trusts. The one who’s borne the blood. Who’s bashed the heads to pieces. Slit the throats. He slinks home for you. On his knees. Pleading mock repentance. Until my shadow crosses his.
ARETHA: I know this gore and violence thrills you, but must your willie stick up my ass?

PLACID stands her up.

PLACID: Sorry, babe! Got a little excited! Excited…for your triumph!
ARETHA: Sit.

He sits. ARETHA paces.

ARETHA: Ah god.

She sits down and puts her head between her knees.

PLACID: Babe…you okay?

She sits back, obviously pained. CORNO rises from hiding place, vaguely concerned.

ARETHA: Comes in waves, the agony. My eyes. Seeing him. Them. He's kisses her hair, her neck. She clenches her calves. She drops the platter. It rattles on parquet tiles, oysters splashing. She reaches back. Bunches the pleats of his woolen trousers. Fingers spreading flat. Trembling. . .. In my bed, Placid! My bed! I need murder. Tell me murder!

CORNO eases from one spot to another.

PLACID: Sweet. (Rises. Goes to bag. Takes out a tire iron.) Eh?
ARETHA: Kitchen to garage. Better. He loves his cars. Men love to go fast. Why they always do.
PLACID: Yeah, I love this fucker. Nice and heavy, but a point, too. Let it hang by your side. Come up behind him. Jam! Right through the back of his head!

PLACID demonstrates. ARETHA winces.

PLACID: Skull frags everywhere! Dallas style! Busted pottery! Or. . .--hwack!-- uppercut! Hook that soft spot 'neath the jaw! Give a twist, snap, whole trache rips out! Blood like a Rorschach! Beautiful.
ARETHA: I don't the implement is properly. . .stylish.
PLACID: This gonna’ be a murder or a tea party?
ARETHA: What about something with a point that doesn't have to mutilate? A pin? A dart?

PLACID rummages, comes up with a drill.

ARETHA: I believe you need a cord.
PLACID: (Buzzes it.) Batteries.
ARETHA: So…intrusive.
PLACID: You know what? You still love the bastard.
ARETHA: I do not.
PLACID: Yes, you do. You hate him as much as you say, you'd cut his head off--(pulls a hacksaw out of the bag and waves it around)-- never mind the glop. Shit. Why don't you just feed him a cute little Seconal brandy?
CORNO: Prefer coffee.

ARETHA leaps out of her seat. Enraged, she lunges toward him. The lights flicker. Planes return. Bombs fall, thundering. Shatteringly loud. Strobe lights. ARETHA, PLACID, and CORNO all hit the deck and cover up.

CORNO: Aretha? Aretha!

Admist the bombardment, one bomb falls with an especially piercing whine. Lights out with a shattering concussion. Silence.

[To be continued]

Monday, August 1, 2011

Bombardment, Episode 3: Just Speakin' Colorful


Splattworks continues its presentation of Bombardment, a two-act drama by Steve Patterson. The author will attempt to post an installment each day, but, if events intercede, installments may occur a day or so apart. So please be patient.

[EPISODE 3]

ARETHA: How do you plan to conduct the administrative action?
PLACID: Well, it’s funny. On one hand, living things are a bitch to kill. If you don’t know what you’re doing, you end up just bashing ‘em till they come apart. But, if you got a little knowledge, get inside, snap the right wire, the whole gimmick goes…click. That's what we're shooting for. The right wire. Now. (Reaches into bag, pulls out a carving knife.) Standard number. Sharp, long enough to get to the juicy stuff. Strong, won't break on bone. Drawback is. . .it's been done. Million times. Kind of thing a housewife uses to whack her hubby when he's dipping his wick on the side.
ARETHA: Be very careful.
PLACID: No offense. Just speaking colorful.
ARETHA: Nothing with domestic connotations.
CORNO: Say, could I get some coffee?

The two on stage look up, pause, then go back to what they're doing.

PLACID: This wouldn't work then?

Holds up a nutcracker. ARETHA shakes her head.

PLACID: Bummer.

Puts knife, nutcracker on floor. Takes out an icepick.

ARETHA: What did I tell you?
PLACID: Could be a wet bar. Some swanky lounge.
ARETHA: No.
PLACID: Camping?
CORNO: Please, it's chilly out here. Let's get a cup for all these good people.
ARETHA: Where do you find it?
CORNO: Just a warm-up. For my loyal, loving subjects.
ARETHA: You find it in a kitchen drawer, right along with the corn skewers and the garlic press.
PLACID: Garlic press. . ..
CORNO: Don't need any cream! Black is fine!
ARETHA: (Leaping to her feet.) Shut up! Shut up, you bastard! I will not serve you! I will not! Think who I am! Think who you compare me to! I could kill you with my bare hands!

ARETHA lunges for him, but PLACID jumps up, grabs her round the waist. Holds her tight as she struggles to get into audience.

PLACID: No, no, shh. Do it proper.
ARETHA: To hell with proper!
PLACID: You can’t mean it.
ARETHA: Gouge out his eyes!
PLACID: No. Aretha.
ARETHA: With a grapefruit spoon! Pluck 'em out! Stamp ‘em on the ground!

She furiously stamps the stage while PLACID holds her in place. He finally wrenches her back. They both end up in an chair, ARETHA planted on PLACID's lap.

[To be continued]

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Bombardment, Episode 2

Splattworks continues its presentation of Bombardment, a two-act drama by Steve Patterson. The author will attempt to post an installment each day, but, if events intercede, installments may occur a day or so apart. So please be patient.


[EPISODE 2]

ARETHA: Is this is how you want me to be? Or is this how you want to be? I can be anything required. Rich. Beautiful. Bathed in seals' milk. Sipping the blood of a freshly slain virgin from a Midori martini glass. My breath scented with opium. Underarms of honeysuckle. A kiss that can lift you to Valhalla, a whimper that can drop you to Siberia. Able to have anyone and anything. . .but you. (ARETHA sits.) My God. What I wouldn’t do for a knife to carve the features from my face. I won't lecture you on the burdens of nobility. Any disadvantages we experience are more than compensated. Despite our pretensions, we understand this, particularly those who have experienced vicissitudes in attaining one’s position. In exchange, all I relinquish is control of my appearance, speech, public behavior. Otherwise, I am free. Further, in compensation I am granted control of all behavioral codes within these walls, this world. Not just for the footmen, serving maids, culinary technicians, but for all whose adherence to the rules insures the seamless, untroubled continuation of our. . .. Ones' servants do not lay hands upon ones' person! Not without invitation! And, in exchange, one lays ones' hands upon ones' servants with utmost discretion. One does not whisper in thy servants ear at table! One does not surreptitiously tease thy servant's thigh with spouse so close as to hear thy servant's breath quicken! One does not corrupt thy servant in the boudoir of thy wife! He had to be disciplined! Do not think I do not suffer for this decision! His very absence emphasizes the nature of his violation! The thought of his hands upon her skin cooks the very eyes within my skull! He betrays his place! My station! The very boundaries of reality have been violated! My double, carved of the same hard fruit. We cannot fit swelling to hollow with others. Not with the same exquisite perfection, flesh to flesh, soul to soul. But if he cannot be brought to rein, and all cannot be set as it was, I will sacrifice him! Not in vengeance, o sweet, sweet drug. For order. Stability. Such as he taught me.

PLACID enters. Carries a bag. Sets down the bag and opens it.
PLACID: But I do the sacrificing? Right?
ARETHA: On my order.
PLACID: Yeah, but chopping him, opening him up. I get to do that?
ARETHA: If I didn't want him dead, I wouldn't pay you. If I didn't pay, you wouldn't do it.
PLACID: Babe, I do it for you. For your love. Your love is my money. Your lips my municipal bonds.
ARETHA: Body. It’s either cost or commodity. Do your job. You'll be compensated. Understand the nature of the transaction. What matters is Corno's fate. Not yours. Death matters. When he's dead, he'll know what love means.
PLACID: It'll look like love backed right over him. Repeatedly.

[To be continued]

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Opening the Bomb Bay Doors



Splattworks now presents Bombardment, a two-act drama. Given the brief space appropriate for a blog, the play will be serialized in about 26 installments. The author will attempt to post an installment each day, but, if events intercede, installments may occur a day or so apart. So please be patient.

Thanks.

Steve Patterson

Bombardment premiered in 1991, produced by Stark Raving Theatre (Portland, Oregon, USA). Directed by Kyle Evans, the original cast included: Phil Baker as Corno, R. Marquam Krantz and Placid, Mary Jo AbiNader as Aretha, and Michelle Guthrie as Carmelita. Lights and sound design by Michael Delves. Special thanks to Rich Burroughs, EJ Westlake, Rod Harrel, Myra Donnelly, Dave Demke, Linda Grimm, and Greg Tozian.

----------

BOMBARDMENT
A Drama in Two Acts by Steve Patterson

Copyright © 1998 by Steve Patterson

CHARACTERS

CORNO: A political strongman.
PLACID: Corno's enforcer.
ARETHA: Corno's wife.
CARMELITA: Aretha's maid.

SCENE: A Deteriorating Mansion Outside the City

TIME: Outside of Time


“No vehicle had entered the town since the gates were closed. From that day onwards one had the impression that all cars were moving in circles.” -- Albert Camus, The Plague

[EPISODE 1]

ACT I

SCENE I

SETTING: Something between a throne room and a living room. A ruined city can be seen in the distance. Two large chairs at center, a table with an ashtray and pipe rack between them. AT RISE: Lights on CORNO, seated. In background, CARMELITA stands in a maid’s uniform.

CORNO: I used to be king. Born to it. Used to be lord of imponderables. If I wanted something, I didn't command it. All I had to do was picture it, and someone brought it to me. A hint of thirst, and a glass materialized in my hand. I had the strength of ten, vitality of twenty. An enormous furnace burned within my chest, and it took all of life to keep it roaring. I ate a roast a day, and my arteries stayed clear and strong, the seams bulging with blood. There was never enough to sustain me. Not enough power, not enough brandy, not enough women. I raced boats and crashed balloons and juggled Thompson submachine guns. I wrestled land grading machines, silenced incorruptible senators, floored my Lamborghini in the bike lanes. When I walked down a country road, trees moved their branches to hold me in a steady flow of sunlight.

Drawn backward into darkness, CARMELITA exits.

CORNO: I don't feel like that now. I feel two-hundred and fourteen. I can't feel my legs. I slowly blink, and my lids scrape against my eyes. My heart drags its twisted foot. I'm tired. Tired, tired, and I don't know how it happened. I woke one morning to a strange woman's scent. My possessions lost their loving familiarity. I didn't know what to do. I opened the blinds, and the color drained from the sun.

The distant drone of airplanes, soft but slowly growing louder.

CORNO: Imperceptively, that which has so perfectly been balanced for so long…wavers. Clocks… hesitate. Deep within the machine, where even the designers can’t understand the construction, something stirs. Eases into consciousness. At first, confused. But, as it remembers where it is, what it is, what it does, and what it needs…the hunger begins.

Planes appear to pass overhead. Bombs rumble and lights flash. The bombardment grows in intensity. CORNO reacts with fear, shock, pain. The lights go out, concussion of the bombs continuing. The barrage ends, planes fade. CORNO's armchair is empty. PLACID comes tramping in. Wears a distinctive hat. Hesitates when he sees CORNO's empty armchair. Approaches it carefully. Sits, trying it on for size. Enjoys sitting there, but can't lose the sense that he's being watched, that he'll be caught. Uneasily, he rises, slinks off. CORNO enters from the rear of the theater and takes a seat in the audience reserved for him. Immediately takes the character of someone excitable and late for the performance. If a man is next to him, CORNO begins hard-luck story about needing gas money; if it's a woman, he begins flirting. Lights shift, and CORNO begins shushing everyone around him. Sinks down, trying to look inconspicuous. ARETHA enters.


[To be continued]

Friday, July 29, 2011

The Night before the Flight


Here we are, just about to launch the serialization of my play Bombardment. It’s kind of like the night before the mission. Which means I need to speak with the troops.

So. To my potential readers, I hope you have fun. It’s a weird kind of fun, but still….

As for potential theatre-makers who read it, I know that by publishing the play through a blog, I’m more or less giving it away. But, for what it’s worth, here are my ground rules, which admittedly operate on the honor system (not particularly appropriate for our times, but one can hope).

I own the copyright on this thing, flat out. If some of you actually want to do something with it--put it on as a reading or production--you can do so royalty-free. I do ask that you inform me first of the production, and, if comes to pass, I’d appreciate your sending me reviews, playbills, publicity materials, and the like (electronic documents will be fine). If you put it on, make a few dollars, and want to share some with the playwright, great--that would be kind and gracious. Not because I’m greedy or expect to ever make money off this play, but because artists of all levels deserve to be compensated for their work.

What I ask you not to do is this: don’t produce the play under a different title or with a different author’s name; don’t produce it without citing me as the author; and don’t change the words or scenes.

Use of the play does not extend to film or broadcast. Plays are meant to be performed. Live. In front of a live audience. If you shoot a short segment for Youtube or the like, say for publicizing the play, please contact me first, and please don’t run it without my permission. And if anyone’s crazy enough to try to film this monster, we need to talk.

Finally, Bombardment is play for mature audiences, given its language, ideas, and imagery (particularly its violence, sexual content, and nudity). If you’re underage, really, you shouldn’t be producing it. If you must, please first consult with a responsible adult. And, not to sound pretentious or make the play sound overly important, if you’re an artist living under a repressive regime, please use caution before committing to the play. I don’t think it could get anybody busted, but I’d feel like hell if it did. It’s just a play. (Sort of.)

In other words, I hereby waive any responsibility for any trouble this play gets you into. Seriously.

If you have questions or want to send me comments, I can be reached at splatterson@mindspring.com

I guess that’s it. Tune in tomorrow, when the Bombardment commences. The engines are warmed up.

[To be continued]

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Closing in on the Target


As I announced a couple days ago, Splattworks, over the next few weeks, will be serializing my drama Bombardment in bite-sized installments. It’s not an entirely new idea: Dickens serialized many of his novels before publishing them as the books we know today. Technology now allows me to do the same—amazingly—all around the world. Because I know you’re out there, in L.A. and Savannah and Hong Kong and Jordan and Brisbane and Berlin and….

Why this play now? The last decade has been so turbulent, terrible, and sometimes downright bizarre, that it’s come to feel like one, long, unbroken disaster, where one never knows when or where the next airstrike’s coming in. Every day makes history; some days are just bigger and more unsettling than others. Lately, they all have been.

It also feels like we’re coming up on one of those decisive moments, where we can pull up at the last minute or disappear into darkness, where the disparity between rich and poor has grown so great that society’s seams are splintering. Not just in the United States, where I live, but everywhere. The planet itself seems to be shaking and baking itself to pieces. The future, to me, has never felt so unknowable. The times, it seems, have caught up with Bombardment. So I hope readers find something in the piece that they can keep for themselves, even if it’s just an image or a line here and there.

To me, the play still seems a wild child. With time and experience, I can see a younger writer trying to find his way. Like a musician coming to competence, he has to try a little bit of everything and work through his influences. So there’s some Beckett here, along with some Ionesco and Albee, a touch of Brecht, and whole hell of a lot of Shepard, particularly in those epic monologues. I was still learning to let characters talk to each other.

If nothing else, I hope Bombardment’s a diverting read. I’m just happy to take a breath and let it off the reins. Maybe something interesting will happen. Or maybe it’ll just run over the top of the hill, and never be seen again. Putting it out there feels a little…edgy. Exciting. Kind of like an opening night. And that’s what theatre…and all art…should be about.

One more bit of business, and then the play should begin on Saturday. Thanks.

[To be continued]

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Commencing Bombardment

Back in the early Nineties, we had ourselves a perfect little pocket war, known as Operation Desert Shield, the only U.S. war, so far, to sound like a feminine hygiene product. It was a swift, unforgettable thing, with CNN broadcasting live footage of Scud missiles falling on Tel Aviv, our wealthy friends, the Kuwaitis, getting looted by another one of our wealthy friends, one Saddam Hussein. Back during the Cold War, we weren’t always too choosy about who we took up with, and, as often happens, some of our relationships ended badly.

Seriously, it was a terrible war, with real bombs, blood, and bodies, and there was nothing amusing about it. I keenly remember feeling an awful sense of despair, as it became readily apparent the violence was inevitable, with no true certainty how it would turn out. Just as with its sequel, Operation Desert Storm (like most sequels, even more of a bummer), there were legitimate fears the war would set the entirely Middle East ablaze and completely destabilize the world economy. We’d have to wait another decade for that to happen.

History felt like an irresistible wave, a tsunami that rolled over everyone, no matter where they lived and how much money they did or didn’t have. The sense of fear and helplessness haunted me long after we’d tucked everyone back in their boxes, and I dealt with it the way writers do: I picked up the pen. In this case, I wrote a two-act drama called Bombardment.

At that time, I’d become friends with some wickedly clever artists running a new Portland Theatre Company, Stark Raving Theatre, and I asked them if they’d take a look at it. You know, just to see what they thought. They said, sure. And the next thing I knew, we were building a set. That’s the way theatre ought to be done--by the seat of your pants, with absolutely no idea what you’re getting yourself into.

The four-actor play--two men, two women--was directed by the very talented Kyle Evans, and ran for six weeks. It took a typical trajectory for a new play by a then-unknown playwright: a great opening (when everybody’s friends and family showed up), struggling weeknights, but stronger weekends. Reviewers were puzzled, dismissive, or both, but word got around that the play was a wild little beast, and really different from anything else running in town. Weekend audiences began to grow, and we closed strongly.

A year later, I tried to hide myself in a plush theatre seat at the Oregon Book Awards ceremony (Oregon’s top literary prize), absolutely terrified that Bombardment, one of three Finalists, might actually win, and I’d have to say something in front of a bunch of writers much more distinguished than myself.

It didn’t win (it’d be almost 20 years before I’d finally bring the OBA home for Lost Wavelengths), but the Bombardment experience really set the hook: I wanted to keep writing plays. For good or ill (depending on who you ask), I’ve been doing it ever since.

So I’ve always had kind of a soft spot for Bombardment, even though it totally screwed up my life. The play was just so . . . out there. I was so new to playwriting, I didn’t even know how many rules I’d blithely shattered. Bombardment was like letting the horse loose, holding on, and just marveling at its power while trying not to worry about getting killed.

Over the years, as I’ve honed my craft (supposedly), I’d dig the play out of the files, work on it a bit, maybe shop it around to a few theatres, maybe put it back in the folder. I came to accept it just wasn’t the kind of play for bigger theatres--the kind afraid of possibly alienating their subscription base. It was just too jagged, non-linear, brutal, and, frankly, weird. It’s a play for theatrical buccaneers.

And that’s why we’re here.

[To be continued]

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Blame it on Radiohead


Kris Kristofferson used to do a song called “Blame it on the Stones,” back when moms and dads worried about the Rolling Stones destroying Western Civilization™ and running off with their daughters. All that trouble and mess and uncomfortable dinner conversation, it was all because of some damned artists.

That was some time ago; so, to stay a little more current, we’ll go with Radiohead to blame pointlessly, even though they're more likely to discuss Western Civilization™ in depth over a nice cup of Earl Grey.

They have been a bit…subversive, however, in launching their last couple albums. The gorgeous In Rainbows was offered on a pay-what-you-will basis through their Website www.radiohead.com. The recent lush, wonderfully strange King of Limbs sells similarly through the Web, for a straight-up $6.00 U.S., and, shortly after release, the band threw in a couple extra songs (which, refreshingly, are very good).

So. In the spirit of skipping the middleman and gatekeepers, and going straight to the people who matter--the audience, I’m serializing one of my plays, a full-length drama in its entirety, right here on Splattworks. For free.

I’ll be presenting further details over the next few days, but here's the news:

Splattworks will publish sequential excepts from my somewhat experimental, very dark, and brutally surreal drama BOMBARDMENT, an Oregon Book Award Finalist. (Above is a production still from the 1991 world premiere.)

Why that play released at this time will be explained. Paraphrasing a better-known playwright, also writing about one of his plays, there actually is a method to the madness...if a little madness to the method.

But, for now...blame it on Radiohead. Or, as Radiohead might say, blame it on the Black Star...which is where this play definitely lives. On that, more tomorrow.

[To be continued]